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Made in England
© Belinda Carbuncle


5th March 2004

We got off our lazy arses and made a noise (mostly polite) in honour of Slim Father Carbuncle in a village hall with The Greenbreakers and False Alarm and some balloons - here's a solitary piece of photographic evidence (more to follow soon). Meanwhile, here's a clip of some video from The Spindle, Engelberg, on our Grand Swiss Tour (with many carbuncular thanks to Chris). Ahhh, it's as disco-dancin' as I remember it...

Slim Father Carbuncle's birthday bash, Feb. 2004, sunny Thanington Without

6th February 2004

May your browsing pleasure be enhanced manifold! Our zingy new server should increase your page-flipping pace from that of snail to stoat at least. Anyway, we've done a little bit of updating here and there, couple of photos and things but nothing to shout about. And, took a while I know, but we've now got a title for the forthcoming (yeah, right) album. Guess it and you win Slick Nick. I mean, GUESS IT AND YOU WIN SLICK NICK!!! (That's not the title, it's a thrilling never-to-be-repeated offer. Drumsticks thrown in)

Big hugs!

22nd July 2003

Oi oi, been a while, sorry. Fabulous news (part one): we've got a gig! Only a year and a bit to wait. Fabulous news (part two): we're off to record the same old shit yet again! I mean, it's time for a third album, ahem. Following hot on the heels of the unavailable 'Work-Out Tape/CD' and the unavailable 'Maidstone Porn Studio Sessions', brace yourselves for 'Jogging With Eddie Jordan' or 'Flemish In Three Months' or 'My Opinion's Humbler Than Yours, Fucker' or whatever the great work is to be baptized. I'm making all this up. Anyway, no updates to report except these things. Very poor.

"Wish I was out jogging"

7th January 2003

Morning all and happy new year, anyone else freezing their breastwarts off? Minus frigidin 26 here now and my pants just aren't long enough. Should have news of a gig (yep, a whole gig) soon. Meanwhile here's a couple of new photos an
d fan photos, can I come home now?

Inspiration strikes Slim Steve

29th November 2002

We need a gig. Look. Crap. And our new manager has run off to Mansfield. But Benny's coming back after all.

"Miss Diane she do be liking my big hands" says Benny

4th October 2002

Dear world (if you're there), we're equally proud and shamefaced to announce a big update of songs in the songbook - wildly popspastic and vastly overdue, thank you very much, I mean PING. Ping! vrvvr vrvvr vrvvr vrvvr vrvvr buuurrrrrp shit brrrrrrrrrrrrp SALLY GUNNELL SALLY GUNNELL SALLY GUNNELL I mean ping happy birthday to me happy birthday to me I fucked a shit monkey and it HICced just momentarily after me ALARM CLOCK ALARM CLOCK WHERE'S MY TOFFEE CRISP ALARM CLOCK ALARM CLOCK WHERE'S MY TOFFEE CRISP as it were, will you still visit me will you still pity me when i'm 34

"Oh, we've got a (disfigured) handful of songs to sing you, new songs and blue songs and songs to fling you!" etc.

29th September 2002

Fabulous Belinda Carbuncle ringtones now available! Impress fellow bus passengers with those unmistakable carbuncular melodies, and marvel as they all begin to merrily sing along... SMACKED HIM IN THE HEAD WITH A BASEBALL BAT SMACKED HIM IN THE HEAD WITH A BASEBALL BAT SMACKED HIM IN THE HEAD WITH A BASEBALL BAT FUCK ME SAID KEVIN KEEGAN SMACKED HIM IN THE HEAD WITH A BASEBALL BAT SMACKED... well, maybe.

"Fuck me!"

7th August 2002

Woeful news - Little Chart is off. Dunno why, but The Swan's Rock & Ale Festival on 31 August has been cancelled. Shame. Oh well, here are a few little updates to help hold back the tears... the things page now features a new 'thing' or two, and we've found a couple more photos and flyers and (gasp) one whole drawing. And, as it's been a good while since we heard anything from Dr Buncle, we make him explain himself at last.

A Shipman was ther

30th July 2002

Piss poor!! Rather than put in some creative hours in the studio or mingle with our adoring fans like a real pop band, all we've done lately (or indeed ever) is put horrible pictures of us on the photos page. And secretly practice in our bedrooms, of course. Oh, and Slim Steve hasn't gone missing after all, he was out walking, a lot, in disguise. Luckily Janet spotted him in Gedling. Say no more.

It's alright, he wipes the coin-slot clean afterwards

18th July 2002

Pitiful! Rather than write songs or do gigs like a real pop band, all we've done lately is put a load of old rubbish (and a splash of colour) on the flyers page. And we didn't win the World Cup. And Slim Steve has gone missing. And some details of the Swan's Rock & Ale Festival thingy are here... it's not going to rain, apparently.


8th June 2002



25th May 2002

Bunclefest! Three gigs booked now, all in the same pub somewhere in Kent of course...

Our one and only venue

8th May 2002

Eeek! Nearly forgot this! Guaranteed to melt the hearts of hot chicks and scary gingas alike! Our very own Slim Steve has gone and been a big cat-rescuing hero while we weren't looking, and he got in the Kentish Express and everything, and we're so terribly proud that we've stuck the clipping somewhere at the bottom of the flyers and crap page. For the record, Buttons is a girl.


7th May 2002

Tssssssk, no updates for months and then what do you get? A couple more Swiss photos and one new gig, that's what. Oh well, at least Slick Nick's in pain.

Slick Nick traps his Lovestick in the snare-drum...

13th March 2002

Lots of unnecessary crap in the flyers section now, and a couple more drawings, and another batch of photos, all of which will surely whet your collective appetite for this weekend's gigs??

Crap and unnecessary

4th March 2002

Gadzooks! Time to reminisce already, with some hazy bits of The Grand Swiss Tour now on display in the photos section. Alarmingly there's more to come...

The Grand Swiss Tour

28th February 2002

Can't keep up can't keep up can't keep up, yet another gig, don't tell Slick Nick cos this time we're moonlighting as an acoustic duo - yes Matthew, for a sozzled St Patrick's day twang we shall be The Belinda O'Cardigan Jazz Emission, that's at The Livin' Room in Canterbury on Sunday 17th March. Come and burp with us! Bursting of blood blisters guaranteed. Directions this way. Slim Grandfather O'Cardigan will be invited to attend and read specimens of verse from the fekkin old country. No egg-burgers, thank you nurse.

Slim Steve caressing a Finnish beauty

27th February 2002

Another gig! Blimey. With everyone's favourite foamers The Foamers we're at The Roundhouse in Canterbury on Saturday 16th March... how can you resist? Directions over here. The Grand Swiss Tour was indeed Grand and Swiss - we might be getting a glimpse of Slim Steve's tour diary shortly. Huge thanks to Pete and everyone at The Disco-Dancing Spindle for putting us on, and to half of Charing for coming with us. And belated thanks to Mafro and Daveeee for a brilliant do in Sittingbourne - fancy letting us go on last (wobbly cider haze, hic), I am a new man, feed me egg-burgers!


25th January 2002

The Swiss have been duly warned that we're on our way, and we have the appropriate disco clobber. So roll up pop-fans! Back-comb yer afro, neck a swift Babycham, click here and follow the Spindle NEWS link...

Funky gibbons

11th January 2002

Morning world, happy new thingy! Humblest thanks to Emma, Terry and Ann for a splendid do at The Swan, and cheers to Ant on the big bongo. Sittingbourne next, with the wondrous MARTiN, lovely job. Slick Nick's up in the loft looking for his drums. Uh oh, look away now, we've found some new photos at last, a disturbing mixture of the festive, the incriminating and the gruesome. Sorry ladies.

Anything for half a cider

21st December 2001

Gigs! Of sorts. We seem to have wangled a last minute slot on New Year's Eve at The Swan in deepest darkest (and indeed littlest) Little Chart, and then there's Mafro & Daveeeeeeeee's do on 2nd Feb. in darkest deepest (and arguably sittiest) Sittingbourne, and what's more we're off beyond Blighty for the first and last time cos it's THE GRAND SWISS TOUR in the middle of February. Where will it all end? Click on the grotty Basil for details.

Boom boom boom in the room, let me hear you say wayoh (wayoh), my teeth are brown.

26th October 2001

We're still alive! Well, sort of. Sadly an ailing Slick Nick has had to be put on a strict Rioja & barium fluids-only diet following an unpleasant reaction to bacon sarnies ('94 Rioja that is, though any vintage barium will do), whilst Slim Steve is once again in hiding (this time from a rich old lady who'd flip if she found out that he lives in the granny-annexe), and Slim Paul seems to have inexplicably vanished to Nottingham where he is no doubt arranging a hectic gigging schedule for the band at this very moment. Or not. Any other news? We've abandoned Freeservers (tra-laa, no banner ads, and the guestbook works). Oh, and the Belinda Cardigan Jazz Ensemble recently made a jolly debut appearance at The Living Room in Canterbury, marred only by Slim Paul's jolly debut appearance at The Living Room in Canterbury. Cheers Ke
v, may we do it again? Look! It's William Urry, and he's handling the Dean & Chapter's archives without gloves! Ahhh, those were the days, when the world was black and white, and corned beef was good for you.

William George Urry, Canterbury Cathedral Archivist and fine scholar. Nice tie and all.

21st July 2001

Ladies and gentlemen, we, the unnecessary Belinda Carbuncle, have kindly contributed the quite abysmal 'Song About Being An Alien' to an otherwise splendid top pop compilation CD on Lo_Cal Records. More details very soon.

Aliens are people too

19th June 2001

It's true... a gig at long long last. May joy be unbounded!

"Well twat me!" exclaims Benny

9th June 2001

Feeling glum? Well, here's thrilling news, perhaps - it seems unlikely I know, but there might be a Belinda Carbuncle gig coming up soon... 4 July? With The Foamers? Watch this space.

Bring yer granny for a pogo

24th May 2001

You heard it here first! The three original members of Belinda Carbuncle have agreed to put mutual animosity aside for a day in order to record a one-off reunion single for Slick Nick's "I Wanna Be A Space Tourist" charity. The chosen song is believed to be a version of the Police classic "Wanking On The Moon", to the tune of "Bright Eyes", or something like that, why am I writing this tosh? Look, here's a still from the no-expense-spared pop video, my arse.
Can I come home now?


4th May 2001

We can confirm that Slim Steve has been moved to a secret location and given a new identity as part of the police protection programme. Threats have been made to his life following his most recent publication entitled 'The Satanic Nurses', which has been mistakenly interpreted as an attack on the St John's Ambulance Service. This sinister religious cult has issued a death sentence on 'The Pop-Star Formerly Known As Slim Stevie Buncle'. This curse is apparently known as a 'Fat Nurse', whereby a fat nurse begins by de-lousing her victim before administering a lethal dose of flab onto her slim and fragile prey. As a direct result of this situation, Belinda Carbuncle can no longer be contacted at the postal address listed on the web site. Slim Steve wishes all his fan mail to now be sent directly to the web page. We have received one coded message from our endangered guitarist's hideaway. He says "Salmon Rushdie's shit stinks!"

Stevie 'Hard As Nails' Carbuncle, earnestly growing chest hair

3rd May 2001

The start of a new series finds Slim Steve Carbuncle listing 'Twenty things I've discovered in my twenties'
. Sadly he appears to have learnt absolutely nothing of wolverines and their endearing ways.

Waving Wolverine!

18th March 2001

Amidst growing rumours that Slim Steve is leaving Belinda Carbuncle to start his own David Hasselhoff tribute band, it now transpires that Slim Paul and Slick Nick have adopted new sobriquets and have been holding secret rehearsals via txt-msgz. It is hoped that they will shortly be appearing as the jazz-funk duo Todd Landers and Ron. A planned debut gig at Ye Olde Foot & Mouth in Sheppey has had to be postponed, but T-shirts bearing a stylish 'LOOK OUT FOR THAT VAN' logo are in production.

Flanders and Swann

14th February 2001

I can't believe it, those fuckers at the Post Office have nicked all my Valentines again.

Ready for today's thrilling innovation? Well, perhaps inevitably, you'll now find at the foot of pages scattered throughout this site a number of MAGIC ORWELL buttons! Yep, whenever you're really achingly piss bored you can just give George a quick tickle and he'll zap you to somewhere more or less edifying. Fantastic. Now I must pop out and get a life.

Magic Orwell!

10th February 2001

Help me, I haven't got a telly and there's Welsh people on Radio 4! I've just squandered my Saturday faking more fan photos - here they are. Sad, eh?


8th February 2001

Brace yourselves...
Tragic news, pop fans!
It's true - the band's hectic tour schedule has been brought to a juddering halt by the thoughtless departure of Slim Paul to the distant north, wherever that is. Gasp! Naturally Slim Steve and Slick Nick are distraught. Dozens of hot chicks and half an Algerian were last night reported to be inconsolable. As a mark of respect, I can't be arsed to find an illustration.
PS - it was me, I let the dogs out.

9th January 2001

Wooooooh! Now we've got the beginnings of a fabulous new illustrated songbook! Beautiful pictures which just might help to bring our dull songs to life, or at least distract you for a moment...
Hold yer own

8th January 2001

Blimey, update upon update! Today we've stuck some more links up, including Mafro's new pop-site with an ambling Felix (left to right to left to right he goes, like a wandering cat, meeow)
, and Dan's exciting lumberjack site (that's him on the right). Go on, escape these pages!
Dan in love

7th January 2001

New fan photos at last! Yep, saucy snaps of the chic and suave in our shit shirts. Hey, you there, chappie on the Clapham omnibus, just think how good you too could look in one of our mildly desirable t-shirts!

5th January 2001

Happy New Year to both our readers! And belated yuley joy! Well, it seems The Belinda Cardigan Brass Ensemble managed to pull it off at Merefields, cheers Kev, sorry Mum, sorry Nick, can we do it again? 'Ere, look at this, the Daves of the world have been beseiging poor old Dr Buncle of late...
Nicky Wicky

2nd November 2000

Look! Ten things you didn't know about Belinda Carbuncle! Simply fascinating.

1st November 2000

We're very very crap, sorry. Another Cap gig goes by with no support band turning up... do we smell? Yes, we smell. And we seem to have taken up free-form jazz too. That'll stop 'em dancing. Better make up some news: Slim Steve has gone off moonlighting in The Green Blues Band with Slim Father Carbuncle (catch them at a Simple Simon's near you), Slick Nick has got a proper drum-kit at last (anyone want to buy the old Woolworth's one??), and the good Dr Buncle offers a spot of canine advice before swanning off to distant climes once more. Woooooh!
Looks like dogs with false ears to me

11th September 2000

What does dear old Dr Buncle know about babies? Precious little, mercifully. Our friend Dave the Janner, on the other hand, knows far too much about the vile gurgling little creatures. Dave says "They're noisy, smelly, messy, and they don't do much. Actually they do, they cost a lot of money, they're persistent, they're curious, and they're small. Sometimes they're a bit like cats - they get under your feet, particularly at food time". Thanks Dave.
Babies, walking or otherwise

7th September 2000

At last, what you've all been dreading, some new songs and bits of songs on the songs page. Simply beautiful, sniff...

6th September 2000

A thrilling new series begins today in the scrapbook... pictures of devoted fans proudly parading our Carbuncular clobber! Cheers to Dr Diffident for spotting these 'ere particular noble and distinguished gentlefolk. "Hey kids!" chirps up Slim Steve, "why not send us some of yer own juicy snaps?". Go on then, if you must.
A noble Lord of olde doth wear ye cloth of Belinda Carbunckle

3rd September 2000

Notwithstanding the inadequacy of the good Doctor's medical training, there's a distinctly anatomical feel to Ask Dr Buncle of late. Mostly sordid, of course.
Anatomy indeed

27th August 2000

Lest anyone was worried, brawling pop-thug Slim Steve and his irresistible nose have made a speedy recovery after the little brouhaha in sunny Faversham. Tsssk. Good gig though, cheers to Toby & Emma and The Splitters and all the good dancing folk (except the other bloke, whom, of course, you should've seen). Genuine carbuncular-blood-splattered T-shirts available shortly!
Biff bash wallop

25th August 2000

Our lovely T-shirts have arrived!
Very tempting, you'll agree...

Feeling in need of some cockle-warming? You could do worse than follow our links to two new movies of Tis and Pansy on Dr Diffident's page (second grey dot down).

Funky clobber!

16th August 2000

The Foamers confirm as support for our pre-Christmas Cap gig. And yet more Ask Dr Buncle's flood in...
Dr Buncle himself

15th August 2000

Look! Now there's drawings in the scrap book, and a very special guest in our photos section... can you guess who?
Us learning to cope with pop stardom...

13th August 2000

Dr Buncle holds his first surgery - much wisdom is spouted (and tastefully illustrated).
More importantly, Charity Shield - Chelsea 2 Man Utd 0, Keane off. Heh heh heh...
And Steve says Forest won 1-0 against the mighty West Brom. As I write, he's snoring drunkenly on the floor - well, you've got to celebrate that positive goal difference while it lasts, eh.

11th August 2000

Some new pictures and some new links...

31st July 2000

Errrr, we have a new web site!
Hey, pop fans! Can you guess which one's which?

I don't like it down here, I want my mum