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5th
March 2004
We got off our lazy arses and made a noise (mostly polite) in honour
of Slim Father Carbuncle in a village hall with The Greenbreakers
and False Alarm and some balloons - here's a solitary piece of photographic
evidence (more to follow soon). Meanwhile, here's a clip of
some video
from The Spindle, Engelberg, on our Grand Swiss Tour (with
many carbuncular thanks to Chris). Ahhh, it's as disco-dancin' as
I remember it...
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6th
February 2004
May your browsing pleasure be enhanced manifold! Our zingy new server
should increase your page-flipping pace from that of snail to stoat
at least. Anyway, we've done a little bit of updating here and there,
couple of photos
and things but nothing to shout about. And, took a while I know,
but we've now got a title for the forthcoming (yeah, right) album.
Guess it and you win Slick Nick. I mean, GUESS IT AND YOU WIN SLICK
NICK!!! (That's not the title, it's a thrilling never-to-be-repeated
offer. Drumsticks thrown in)
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22nd
July 2003
Oi oi, been a while, sorry. Fabulous news (part one): we've got
a gig!
Only a year and a bit to wait. Fabulous news (part two):
we're off to record the same old shit yet again! I mean, it's time
for a third album, ahem. Following hot on the heels of the unavailable
'Work-Out Tape/CD' and the unavailable 'Maidstone Porn Studio Sessions',
brace yourselves for 'Jogging With Eddie Jordan' or 'Flemish In
Three Months' or 'My Opinion's Humbler Than Yours, Fucker' or whatever
the great work is to be baptized. I'm making all this up. Anyway,
no updates to report except these
things. Very poor.
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7th
January 2003
Morning all and happy new year, anyone else freezing their breastwarts
off? Minus frigidin 26 here now and my pants just aren't long enough.
Should have news of a gig (yep, a whole gig) soon. Meanwhile here's
a couple of new photos
and
fan
photos, can I come home now?
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29th
November 2002
We need a gig. Look.
Crap. And our new manager has run off to Mansfield. But Benny's
coming back after all.
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4th
October 2002
Dear world (if you're there), we're equally proud and shamefaced
to announce a big update of songs in the songbook
- wildly popspastic and vastly overdue, thank you very much, I mean
PING. Ping! vrvvr vrvvr
vrvvr vrvvr vrvvr buuurrrrrp shit brrrrrrrrrrrrp SALLY GUNNELL
SALLY
GUNNELL SALLY GUNNELL I mean ping happy birthday to me happy
birthday to me I fucked a shit monkey and it HICced just
momentarily after me ALARM CLOCK ALARM CLOCK WHERE'S MY TOFFEE CRISP
ALARM
CLOCK ALARM CLOCK WHERE'S MY TOFFEE CRISP as it were, will
you still visit me will you still pity me when i'm 34
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29th
September 2002
Fabulous Belinda Carbuncle ringtones
now available! Impress fellow bus passengers with those unmistakable
carbuncular melodies, and marvel as they all begin to merrily sing
along... SMACKED HIM IN THE HEAD WITH A BASEBALL BAT SMACKED
HIM IN THE HEAD WITH A BASEBALL BAT SMACKED
HIM IN THE HEAD WITH A BASEBALL BAT FUCK ME SAID KEVIN KEEGAN
SMACKED
HIM IN THE HEAD WITH A BASEBALL BAT SMACKED... well, maybe.
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7th
August 2002
Woeful news - Little Chart is off. Dunno why, but The Swan's Rock
& Ale Festival on 31 August has been cancelled. Shame. Oh
well, here are a few little updates to help hold back the tears...
the things page now features a new 'thing'
or two, and we've found a couple more photos
and flyers and (gasp) one whole drawing.
And, as it's been a good while since we heard anything from Dr
Buncle, we make him explain himself at last.
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30th
July 2002
Piss poor!! Rather than put in some creative hours in the studio
or mingle with our adoring fans like a real pop band, all we've
done lately (or indeed ever) is put horrible pictures of us on
the photos page. And secretly practice
in our bedrooms, of course. Oh, and Slim Steve hasn't gone missing
after all, he was out walking, a lot, in disguise. Luckily Janet
spotted him in Gedling. Say no more.
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18th
July 2002
Pitiful! Rather than write songs or do gigs like a real pop band,
all we've done lately is put a load
of old rubbish (and a splash of colour) on the flyers
page. And we didn't win the World Cup. And Slim Steve has gone missing.
And some details of the Swan's Rock & Ale Festival thingy are
here... it's not going
to rain, apparently.
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8th
June 2002
Ha!!
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25th
May 2002
Bunclefest!
Three gigs booked now, all in the
same pub somewhere in Kent of course...
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8th
May 2002
Eeek!
Nearly forgot this! Guaranteed to melt the hearts of hot chicks
and scary gingas alike! Our very own Slim Steve has gone and been
a big cat-rescuing hero while we weren't looking, and he got in
the Kentish Express and everything, and we're so terribly proud
that we've stuck the clipping somewhere at the bottom of the flyers
and crap page. For the record, Buttons is a girl.
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7th
May 2002
Tssssssk, no updates for months and then what do you get? A couple
more Swiss photos and one new gig,
that's what. Oh well, at least Slick Nick's in pain.
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13th
March 2002
Lots
of unnecessary crap in the flyers
section now, and a couple more drawings,
and another batch of photos, all of which
will surely whet your collective appetite for this weekend's gigs??
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4th
March 2002
Gadzooks!
Time to reminisce already, with some hazy bits of The Grand
Swiss Tour now on display in the photos
section. Alarmingly there's more to come...
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28th
February 2002
Can't
keep up can't keep up can't keep up, yet another gig, don't tell
Slick Nick cos this time we're moonlighting as an acoustic duo -
yes Matthew, for a sozzled St Patrick's day twang we shall be The
Belinda O'Cardigan Jazz Emission, that's at The Livin' Room in
Canterbury on Sunday 17th March. Come and burp with us! Bursting
of blood blisters guaranteed. Directions this
way. Slim Grandfather O'Cardigan will be invited
to attend and read specimens of verse from the fekkin old country.
No
egg-burgers, thank you nurse.
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27th
February 2002
Another
gig! Blimey. With everyone's favourite foamers The
Foamers we're
at The Roundhouse in Canterbury on Saturday 16th March... how can
you resist? Directions over here. The Grand
Swiss Tour was indeed Grand and Swiss - we might be getting a glimpse
of Slim Steve's tour diary shortly. Huge thanks to Pete and everyone
at The Disco-Dancing Spindle for putting us on, and to
half of Charing for coming with us. And belated thanks to Mafro
and Daveeee for a brilliant do in Sittingbourne - fancy letting
us go on last (wobbly cider haze, hic), I am a new man, feed me
egg-burgers!
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25th
January 2002
The Swiss have been duly warned that we're on our way, and we have
the appropriate disco clobber. So roll up pop-fans! Back-comb yer
afro, neck a swift Babycham, click
here and follow the Spindle NEWS link...
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11th
January 2002
Morning world, happy new thingy! Humblest thanks to Emma, Terry
and Ann for a splendid do at The Swan, and cheers to Ant on the
big bongo. Sittingbourne next, with the wondrous
MARTiN,
lovely job. Slick Nick's up in the loft looking for his drums. Uh
oh, look away now, we've found some new photos
at last, a disturbing mixture of the festive, the incriminating
and the gruesome. Sorry ladies.
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21st
December 2001
Gigs! Of sorts. We seem to have wangled a last minute slot on New
Year's Eve at The Swan in deepest darkest (and indeed littlest)
Little Chart, and then there's Mafro & Daveeeeeeeee's do on
2nd Feb. in darkest deepest (and arguably sittiest) Sittingbourne,
and what's more we're off beyond Blighty for the first and last
time cos it's THE GRAND SWISS TOUR in the middle of February. Where
will it all end? Click on the grotty Basil
for details.
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26th
October 2001
We're still alive! Well, sort of. Sadly an ailing Slick Nick
has had to be put on a strict Rioja & barium fluids-only diet
following an unpleasant reaction to bacon sarnies ('94 Rioja that
is, though any vintage barium will do), whilst Slim Steve is once
again in hiding (this time from a rich old lady who'd flip if she
found out that he lives in the granny-annexe), and Slim Paul seems
to have inexplicably vanished to Nottingham where he is no doubt
arranging a hectic gigging schedule for the band at this very moment.
Or not. Any other news? We've abandoned Freeservers (tra-laa, no
banner ads, and the guestbook works). Oh, and the Belinda Cardigan
Jazz Ensemble recently made a jolly debut appearance at The Living
Room in Canterbury, marred only by Slim Paul's jolly debut appearance
at The Living Room in Canterbury. Cheers Kev,
may we do it again? Look! It's William Urry, and he's handling the
Dean & Chapter's archives without gloves! Ahhh, those were the
days, when the world was black and white, and corned beef was good
for you.
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21st
July 2001
Ladies and gentlemen, we, the unnecessary Belinda Carbuncle, have
kindly contributed the quite abysmal 'Song
About Being An Alien' to an otherwise splendid top pop compilation
CD on Lo_Cal Records. More details very soon.
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19th
June 2001
It's true... a gig at long long last. May
joy be unbounded!
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9th
June 2001
Feeling glum? Well, here's thrilling news, perhaps - it seems unlikely
I know, but there might be a Belinda Carbuncle gig coming up soon...
4 July? With The
Foamers? Watch this space.
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24th
May 2001
You heard it here first! The three original members of Belinda Carbuncle
have agreed to put mutual animosity aside for a day in order to
record a one-off reunion single for Slick Nick's "I Wanna Be
A Space Tourist" charity. The chosen song is believed to be
a version of the Police classic "Wanking On The Moon",
to the tune of "Bright Eyes", or something like that,
why am I writing this tosh? Look, here's a still from the no-expense-spared
pop video, my arse.
Can I come home now?
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4th
May 2001
We can confirm that Slim Steve has been moved to a secret location
and given a new identity as part of the police protection programme.
Threats have been made to his life following his most recent publication
entitled 'The Satanic Nurses', which has been mistakenly interpreted
as an attack on the St John's Ambulance Service. This sinister religious
cult has issued a death sentence on 'The Pop-Star Formerly Known
As Slim Stevie Buncle'. This curse is apparently known as a 'Fat
Nurse', whereby a fat nurse begins by de-lousing her victim before
administering a lethal dose of flab onto her slim and fragile prey.
As a direct result of this situation, Belinda Carbuncle can no longer
be contacted at the postal address listed on the web site. Slim
Steve wishes all his fan mail to now be sent directly to the web
page. We have received one coded message from our endangered guitarist's
hideaway. He says "Salmon Rushdie's shit stinks!"
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3rd
May 2001
The start of a new series finds Slim Steve Carbuncle listing 'Twenty
things I've discovered in my twenties'.
Sadly he appears to have learnt absolutely nothing of wolverines
and their endearing ways.
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18th
March 2001
Amidst growing rumours that Slim Steve is leaving Belinda Carbuncle
to start his own David Hasselhoff tribute band, it now transpires
that Slim Paul and Slick Nick have adopted new sobriquets and have
been holding secret rehearsals via txt-msgz. It is hoped that they
will shortly be appearing as the jazz-funk duo Todd Landers and
Ron. A planned debut gig at Ye Olde Foot & Mouth in Sheppey
has had to be postponed, but T-shirts bearing a stylish 'LOOK OUT
FOR THAT VAN' logo are in production.
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14th
February 2001
I can't believe it, those fuckers at the Post Office have nicked
all my Valentines again.
Ready
for today's thrilling innovation? Well, perhaps inevitably, you'll
now find at the foot of pages scattered throughout this site a number
of MAGIC ORWELL buttons! Yep, whenever you're really achingly piss
bored you can just give George a quick tickle and he'll zap you
to somewhere more or less edifying. Fantastic. Now I must pop out
and get a life.
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10th
February 2001
Help me, I haven't got a telly and there's Welsh people on Radio
4! I've just squandered my Saturday faking more fan photos - here
they are. Sad, eh?
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8th
February 2001
Brace yourselves...
Tragic news, pop fans!
It's true - the band's hectic tour schedule
has been brought to a juddering halt by the thoughtless departure
of Slim Paul to the distant north, wherever that is. Gasp! Naturally
Slim Steve and Slick Nick are distraught. Dozens of hot chicks and
half an Algerian were last night reported to be inconsolable. As a
mark of respect, I can't be arsed to find an illustration.
PS - it was me, I let the dogs out. |
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9th
January 2001
Wooooooh! Now we've got the beginnings of a fabulous new illustrated
songbook! Beautiful pictures which just might help to bring our
dull songs to life, or at least distract you for a moment... |
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8th
January 2001
Blimey, update upon update! Today we've stuck some more links
up, including Mafro's new pop-site with an ambling Felix (left to
right to left to right he goes, like a wandering cat, meeow),
and Dan's exciting lumberjack site (that's him on the right). Go on,
escape these pages! |
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7th
January 2001
New fan photos at last! Yep, saucy snaps
of the chic and suave in our shit shirts. Hey, you there, chappie
on the Clapham omnibus, just think how good you too could look in
one of our mildly desirable t-shirts! |
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5th
January 2001
Happy New Year to both our readers! And belated yuley joy! Well, it
seems The Belinda Cardigan Brass Ensemble managed to pull it off at
Merefields, cheers Kev, sorry Mum, sorry Nick, can we do it again?
'Ere, look at this, the Daves of the world have been beseiging poor
old Dr Buncle of late... |
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2nd
November 2000
Look! Ten things you didn't know about Belinda
Carbuncle! Simply fascinating. |
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1st
November 2000
We're very very crap, sorry. Another Cap gig goes by with no support
band turning up... do we smell? Yes, we smell. And we seem to have
taken up free-form jazz too. That'll stop 'em dancing. Better make
up some news: Slim Steve has gone off moonlighting in The Green Blues
Band with Slim Father Carbuncle (catch them at a Simple Simon's near
you), Slick Nick has got a proper drum-kit at last (anyone want to
buy the old Woolworth's one??), and the good Dr
Buncle offers a spot of canine advice before swanning off to distant
climes once more. Woooooh! |
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11th
September 2000
What does dear old Dr Buncle know about babies?
Precious little, mercifully. Our friend Dave the Janner, on the other
hand, knows far too much about the vile gurgling little creatures.
Dave says "They're noisy, smelly, messy, and they don't do much.
Actually they do, they cost a lot of money, they're persistent, they're
curious, and they're small. Sometimes they're a bit like cats - they
get under your feet, particularly at food time". Thanks Dave. |
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7th
September 2000
Laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!
At last, what you've all been dreading, some new songs
and bits of songs on the songs
page. Simply beautiful, sniff... |
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6th
September 2000
A thrilling new series begins today in the scrapbook... pictures of
devoted fans proudly parading our Carbuncular
clobber! Cheers to Dr Diffident for spotting these 'ere particular
noble and distinguished gentlefolk. "Hey kids!" chirps up
Slim Steve, "why not send us some of yer own juicy snaps?".
Go on then, if you must. |
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3rd
September 2000
Notwithstanding the inadequacy of the good Doctor's medical training,
there's a distinctly anatomical feel to Ask Dr
Buncle of late. Mostly sordid, of course. |
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27th
August 2000
Lest anyone was worried, brawling pop-thug Slim Steve and his irresistible
nose have made a speedy recovery
after the little brouhaha in sunny Faversham. Tsssk. Good gig though,
cheers to Toby & Emma and The Splitters and all the good dancing
folk (except the other bloke, whom, of course, you should've seen).
Genuine carbuncular-blood-splattered T-shirts available shortly! |
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25th
August 2000
Our
lovely T-shirts have arrived!
Very
tempting, you'll agree...
Feeling
in need of some cockle-warming? You could do worse than follow our
links to two new movies of Tis and Pansy
on Dr Diffident's page (second grey dot down).
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16th
August 2000
The
Foamers confirm as support for our pre-Christmas Cap gig. And
yet more Ask Dr Buncle's flood in... |
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15th
August 2000
Look!
Now there's drawings in the scrap book,
and a very special guest in our photos section...
can you guess who? |
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13th
August 2000
Dr
Buncle holds his first surgery - much wisdom is spouted (and tastefully
illustrated).
More importantly, Charity Shield - Chelsea 2 Man Utd 0, Keane off.
Heh heh heh...
And Steve says Forest won 1-0 against the mighty West Brom. As I write,
he's snoring drunkenly on the floor - well, you've got to celebrate
that positive goal difference while it lasts, eh. |
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11th August 2000
Some
new pictures and some new links... |
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31st
July 2000
Errrr,
we have a new web site! |
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