Belinda Carbuncle
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Made in England
© Belinda Carbuncle

A half-empty bottle makes more noise

When the boys first met at a Muppet Show convention in Torquay during the autumn of 1986, fate reared its ugly head and produced a band with no talent at all. Slick Nick Lovestick was wearing an 'Animal' T-shirt, so it was decided that he would be the drummer. Slim Paul Carbuncle had a guitar and a guitar amp, so he became the bassist, and Slim Steve Carbuncle had a bass and bass amp, so naturally he chose to play guitar; and the Lord decreed they were not good.

Through the years the band have wooed audiences all around the Rosemary Lane area of Canterbury with their smutty charm, alcoholic disposition and a backdrop painted by their mum.

Belinda Carbuncle write songs about soap operas, aristocrats and wanking, combined with environmental, caring anthems like 'The Elephant Love Song', 'The Polar Bear Song' and 'The Frog Song'. Though the boys need to work a little on their song titles, they tackle the issues of today in an emotive and intelligent way, then spoil it all by putting the word 'fuck' in the chorus.

I urge everyone to see Belinda Carbuncle whenever they play in Canterbury, as you are very unlikely to see them perform anywhere else. Slick Nick is currently finding it difficult to combine his musical commitments with his ambition of building an entire city out of Lego in a large barn deep in Sussex. He currently has a population of over two thousand, a very low crime rate, and a community who can turn their heads three hundred and sixty degrees but can't bend their legs.
He's very proud. I asked Slim Steve if it now seemed inevitable that Slick Nick would stop playing the drums. "Nick stops drumming frequently", he replied, "Sometimes within seconds of the song finishing".

The band have performed alongside many other top pop outfits during their vague career, including Rancid, The Skoidats, The Fish Brothers, Martin, The Warriors, The Stains, Splodgenessabounds, Armitage Shanks, 999, W.O.R.M. (maybe, can't remember), The Popguns (who?), Sperm Ov Doom, The Foamers, Tuberloopasaurus, Company Policy, [spunge], The Julia Set, Beerzone, Toxic Shock, Inki Mahoah, Cosmopop, Red Flag 77, Tipa Gore, Black Rag, Left For Dead, Frankenslag, Tiananmen, The Remains, Sham 69 (nearly), Twister, Five Fat Sheep, Moloko Plus, The Tansads, False Alarm, Cirrhosis, The Park, Snub, The Belinda Cardigan Blues Emission, Coalition, Tragic Roundabout, Lunch, Nux Vomica, Action Slacks, T.I.T.S., Colourburst, Torment (sadly not the psychobillies, some shite gothmetalarsebonjoviwank), Buster, The Couch Potatoes, Substandard, The noble Spoonweb cast, Garon The Bloke Who Tells Jokes, The Filth FC, Trauma, Mutant Cells, Derrero, Barkin Mad, Corroded, The Splitters, Eeyore, The Griswalds, Lever, Relinquor, Tribute To Nothing and Huevos Rancheros - twangtastic! Most of it was D.J. Pete's fault (one day Pete will launch his Curly Mohawk record label and we'll all be dead famous and everything).

Slim Paul cannot remember the Rancid gig. He couldn't remember the notes to the songs either, or the words. If he had remembered how to stand it might have helped. "I do remember going and getting a bag of chips about five in the afternoon", he recalls, "Then it all went a bit spoony".

Why not boogie your body into wonderful shape with the Belinda Carbuncle Workout Tape or CD? Sixteen super stretch 'n' slim songs that will lose you five pounds instantly, they're available from a carrier bag at the back of the stage (stage?!) after gigs. Sometimes. Good luck.

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Nuurrrrrssssse! I've taken a tumble - help me up