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When
the boys first met at a Muppet Show convention in Torquay during
the autumn of 1986, fate reared its ugly head and produced a band
with no talent at all. Slick Nick Lovestick was wearing an 'Animal'
T-shirt, so it was decided that he would be the drummer. Slim Paul
Carbuncle had a guitar and a guitar amp, so he became the bassist,
and Slim Steve Carbuncle had a bass and bass amp, so naturally he
chose to play guitar; and the Lord decreed they were not good.
Through the years the band have wooed audiences all around the Rosemary
Lane area of Canterbury with their smutty charm, alcoholic disposition
and a backdrop painted by their mum.
Belinda
Carbuncle write songs about soap operas, aristocrats and wanking,
combined with environmental, caring anthems like 'The Elephant Love
Song', 'The Polar Bear Song' and 'The Frog Song'. Though the boys
need to work a little on their song titles, they tackle the issues
of today in an emotive and intelligent way, then spoil it all by
putting the word 'fuck' in the chorus.
I urge everyone to see Belinda Carbuncle whenever they play in Canterbury,
as you are very unlikely to see them perform anywhere else. Slick
Nick is currently finding it difficult to combine his musical commitments
with his ambition of building an entire city out of Lego in a large
barn deep in Sussex. He currently has a population of over two thousand,
a very low crime rate, and a community who can turn their heads
three hundred and sixty degrees but can't bend their legs. He's
very proud. I
asked Slim Steve if it now seemed inevitable that Slick Nick would
stop playing the drums. "Nick
stops drumming frequently", he replied, "Sometimes within
seconds of the song finishing".
The band have performed alongside many other top pop outfits during
their vague career, including Rancid,
The Skoidats, The
Fish Brothers, Martin,
The
Warriors, The Stains, Splodgenessabounds,
Armitage Shanks, 999,
W.O.R.M. (maybe, can't remember), The Popguns (who?), Sperm Ov Doom,
The
Foamers, Tuberloopasaurus, Company Policy, [spunge],
The Julia Set, Beerzone,
Toxic Shock, Inki Mahoah, Cosmopop, Red
Flag 77, Tipa Gore, Black Rag, Left For Dead, Frankenslag,
Tiananmen, The Remains, Sham
69 (nearly), Twister, Five Fat Sheep, Moloko Plus, The
Tansads, False Alarm, Cirrhosis, The Park, Snub,
The Belinda Cardigan Blues Emission, Coalition, Tragic Roundabout,
Lunch, Nux Vomica, Action Slacks, T.I.T.S.,
Colourburst, Torment (sadly not the psychobillies, some shite gothmetalarsebonjoviwank),
Buster, The
Couch Potatoes, Substandard, The noble Spoonweb
cast, Garon The Bloke Who Tells Jokes, The Filth FC, Trauma, Mutant
Cells, Derrero,
Barkin Mad, Corroded, The
Splitters, Eeyore, The
Griswalds, Lever, Relinquor,
Tribute To Nothing and Huevos
Rancheros - twangtastic! Most of it was D.J. Pete's fault
(one day Pete will launch his Curly Mohawk record label and we'll
all be dead famous and everything).
Slim Paul cannot remember the Rancid gig. He couldn't remember the
notes to the songs either, or the words. If he had remembered how
to stand it might have helped. "I do remember going and getting
a bag of chips about five in the afternoon", he recalls, "Then
it all went a bit spoony".
Why not boogie your body into wonderful shape with the Belinda Carbuncle
Workout Tape or CD? Sixteen super stretch 'n' slim songs that will
lose you five pounds instantly, they're available from a carrier
bag at the back of the stage (stage?!) after gigs. Sometimes. Good
luck.
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