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Who
makes the most mistakes in the band?
Slim Paul - 15%
Slim Steve - 85%
This result demonstrates: that Slick Nick set the question.
Would
you shag Ann Widdecombe after 8 pints?
Yes - 74%
No - 26%
This result demonstrates: some terrible truth that we'd have
been better off not knowing.
Nicole
Kidman: fish or fowl?
Fish - 40%
Fowl - 60%
This result demonstrates: that Slim Steve fantasizes over
gummy gingas.
So,
when did Middle English begin?
Later than you think- 82%
Steve - 18%
This result demonstrates: that Kitson is right.
Whatever
happened to Riby?
Who's Riby? - 67%
I'm Riby - 33%
This result demonstrates: that 33% of you/us have delusions
of Ribyism, or that Riby spends too much time protesting his existence,
or perhaps both.
The
traditional derivation of Lewes (Sussex) from the plural of Old
English hlaew 'mound' will not do, not least because of the absence
of initial h- in the early spellings. Which of these alternative
explanations do we prefer?
Old English laew 'gash' - 51%
Celtic
*lexowia 'slope' - 49%
This result demonstrates: that the world has not quite grasped
that Coates (pace Forsberg) is right, and that the word 'gash' is
guaranteed to stimulate a spate of mouse-clicks.
Har
du sett en igelkott nysa?
Ja - 7%
Aldrig - 93%
This result demonstrates: that hedgehogs rarely sneeze, obviously
(obviously).
Does
the Pope swim in circles?
Is a one-legged duck Catholic? - 60%
Do bears shit in the Vatican? - 40%
This result demonstrates: Sweet Richard Adams.
Finest
Natalie Imbruglia chart-smashing ditty?
Torn - 68%
The one where she tries to fit too many words in - 32%
This result demonstrates: that I love her even though she
snubbed us way back when on a New Year's Eve in Canterbury when
she was a panto queen and I was a sweaty pop-star. She was in Blockbusters,
getting a video out. ON NEW YEAR'S EVE!! And she's 4ft 7. And lying
naked on the floor, apparently.
Who
will win this season's football league Division One?
Forest - 23%
Pompey - 77%
This result demonstrates: that Pompey will win this season's
football league Division One. [And they did. We must try this one
again some time...]
Well?
Eh? - 62%
Yes thank you - 38%
This result demonstrates: that you/we are mostly unwell.
Some
people suffer from particularly debilitating combined allergies
which eerily mirror crisp flavours, apparently. Imagine. So, which
would be your allergies of choice?
Cheese and onion - 60%
Salt and vinegar - 40%
This result demonstrates: I have no idea, but what ever happened
to Worcester Sauce flavour?
Be
careful when you answer this one. Today is:
Wednesday
- 11%
Thursday - 89%
This
result demonstrates: that there are more Thursdays
than Wednesdays in any given week.
Or that Thursdays are longer than Wednesdays. Or fuck all.
If
a train leaves Pluckley station for Maidstone at 2pm travelling
at 60mph, and a young lady on a Honda CBR600 leaves the kettle on,
what time does the Post Office shut?
First,
catch your wolverine - 80%
That's only true - 20%
This
result demonstrates: sorry, I wasn't looking.
Our
physician believes the band's health may be being affected by our
gigging schedule. How often do you think we should play?
More
- 67%
or Less - 33%
This
result demonstrates: that
our secret gigs supporting Miss Dynamite are going unnoticed.
Solution
to the firefighters' strike?
Nude
Miss World - 62%
Nude Miss Weapons of Mass Destruction - 38%
This
result demonstrates: There's
a cat up a tree! THERE'S A CAT UP A TREE!!
I
think therefore...
I'm
right - 4%
I've inadvertently sobered up - 96%
This
result demonstrates: a truth universally acknowledged
blah blah.
What
does a dog think when it sees a dead dog?
Crikey,
I've just become aware of my own mortality - 44%
Why won't it sniff my arse? - 56%
This
result demonstrates: something about dogs.
How
long is a week?
7
dinners -
50%
3 fits - 50%
This
result demonstrates: something
else about dogs.
Or nobody voted.
Welcome to the year's first 'TV Personality of 2003' awards!
The nominations are as follows:
Mafro -
31%
Basil Brush- 69%
This
result demonstrates:
the power of the watershed.
What
causes hiccups?
Overwhelming feelings of
guilt -
41%
Sparrows - 59%
This
result demonstrates:
I
knew it!!! Chirpy little fuckers.
Welcome to 'Pop-Star Secrets'! Can you guess Slim Paul's shameful
secret? Paul was arrested on Shetland last week for...
Defrauding a charitable
organisation -
75%
Sheep worrying - 25%
This
result demonstrates:
nothing that would stand up in court.
More 'Pop-Star Secrets'! This week, the spotlight falls on Slick
Nick. On a Tuesday evening in Brighton, Nick secretly takes...
Drumming lessons -
79%
It up the 'arris - 21%
This
result demonstrates:
the implausible.
What's your favourite health warning on a packet
of fags?
Smoking wastes beer money -
73%
Smoking makes you limp (and/or pregnant) - 27%
This
result demonstrates: the blindingly obvious.
Which
song with 'Wanking' in the title should we put on our forthcoming
(yeah, right) CD?
I
Am The Son Of A Wanking Monk - 78%
All of the other ones - 22%
This
result demonstrates: hmmm,
we shall see...
Title for our forthcoming (yeah, right) CD?
"Albanian Jizz Monkeys!"
- 25%
That's crap, I'll suggest a title in the Guestbook - 75%
This result demonstrates: possibly, the appalling under-representation
of Albanian jizz monkeys within the franchised population, or
their restricted access to portals of suffrage. Not that Albanian
jizz monkeys would necessarily ensorse our appropriation of their
esteemed moniker for our filthy output. I don't know, really, I
don't know, and I don't know how we could ever know, they're cleverer
than you'd think, I saw one of them driving a tram on Tuesday and
Slick Nick reckons a gang of 'em experimented on him under the pier.
I have seen the future and it's
Jason
Orange
- 61%
Gordon Brown (texture like sun) - 39%
This
result demonstrates: entropy?
A
recent survey (this Saturday, by me) suggests there are too many
Doctors in this world. What do you think?
I am a Doctor- 25%
Kill the Doctor - 75%
This result demonstrates: you're a shower of bastards.
More
Things this way...
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