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Made in England
© Belinda Carbuncle


Old 'Vote of the week' results

Who makes the most mistakes in the band?
Slim Paul - 15%
Slim Steve - 85%
This result demonstrates: that Slick Nick set the question.

Would you shag Ann Widdecombe after 8 pints?
Yes - 74%
No - 26%
This result demonstrates: some terrible truth that we'd have been better off not knowing.

Nicole Kidman: fish or fowl?
Fish - 40%
Fowl - 60%
This result demonstrates: that Slim Steve fantasizes over gummy gingas.

So, when did Middle English begin?
Later than you think- 82%
Steve - 18%
This result demonstrates: that Kitson is right.

Whatever happened to Riby?
Who's Riby? - 67%
I'm Riby - 33%
This result demonstrates: that 33% of you/us have delusions of Ribyism, or that Riby spends too much time protesting his existence, or perhaps both.

The traditional derivation of Lewes (Sussex) from the plural of Old English hlaew 'mound' will not do, not least because of the absence of initial h- in the early spellings. Which of these alternative explanations do we prefer?
Old English laew 'gash' - 51%
Celtic *lexowia 'slope' - 49%
This result demonstrates: that the world has not quite grasped that Coates (pace Forsberg) is right, and that the word 'gash' is guaranteed to stimulate a spate of mouse-clicks.

Har du sett en igelkott nysa?
Ja - 7%
Aldrig - 93%
This result demonstrates: that hedgehogs rarely sneeze, obviously (obviously).

Does the Pope swim in circles?
Is a one-legged duck Catholic? - 60%
Do bears shit in the Vatican? - 40%
This result demonstrates: Sweet Richard Adams.

Finest Natalie Imbruglia chart-smashing ditty?
Torn - 68%
The one where she tries to fit too many words in - 32%
This result demonstrates: that I love her even though she snubbed us way back when on a New Year's Eve in Canterbury when she was a panto queen and I was a sweaty pop-star. She was in Blockbusters, getting a video out. ON NEW YEAR'S EVE!! And she's 4ft 7. And lying naked on the floor, apparently.

Who will win this season's football league Division One?
Forest - 23%
Pompey - 77%
This result demonstrates: that Pompey will win this season's football league Division One. [And they did. We must try this one again some time...]

Eh? - 62%
Yes thank you - 38%
This result demonstrates: that you/we are mostly unwell.

Some people suffer from particularly debilitating combined allergies which eerily mirror crisp flavours, apparently. Imagine. So, which would be your allergies of choice?
Cheese and onion - 60%
Salt and vinegar - 40%
This result demonstrates: I have no idea, but what ever happened to Worcester Sauce flavour?

Be careful when you answer this one. Today is:
Wednesday - 11%
Thursday - 89%
This result demonstrates: that there are more Thursdays than Wednesdays in any given week. Or that Thursdays are longer than Wednesdays. Or fuck all.

If a train leaves Pluckley station for Maidstone at 2pm travelling at 60mph, and a young lady on a Honda CBR600 leaves the kettle on, what time does the Post Office shut?
First, catch your wolverine - 80%
That's only true - 20%
This result demonstrates: sorry, I wasn't looking.

Our physician believes the band's health may be being affected by our gigging schedule. How often do you think we should play?
More - 67%
or Less - 33%
This result demonstrates: that our secret gigs supporting Miss Dynamite are going unnoticed.

Solution to the firefighters' strike?
Nude Miss World - 62%
Nude Miss Weapons of Mass Destruction - 38%
This result demonstrates: There's a cat up a tree! THERE'S A CAT UP A TREE!!

I think therefore...
I'm right - 4%
I've inadvertently sobered up - 96%
This result demonstrates: a truth universally acknowledged blah blah.

What does a dog think when it sees a dead dog?
Crikey, I've just become aware of my own mortality - 44%
Why won't it sniff my arse? - 56%
This result demonstrates: something about dogs.

How long is a week?
7 dinners - 50%
3 fits - 50%

This result demonstrates:
something else about dogs. Or nobody voted.

Welcome to the year's first 'TV Personality of 2003' awards! The nominations are as follows:
Mafro - 31%
Basil Brush- 69%
This result demonstrates: the power of the watershed.

What causes hiccups?
Overwhelming feelings of guilt - 41%
Sparrows - 59%
This result demonstrates: I knew it!!! Chirpy little fuckers.

Welcome to 'Pop-Star Secrets'! Can you guess Slim Paul's shameful secret? Paul was arrested on Shetland last week for...
Defrauding a charitable organisation - 75%
Sheep worrying - 25%
This result demonstrates: nothing that would stand up in court.

More 'Pop-Star Secrets'! This week, the spotlight falls on Slick Nick. On a Tuesday evening in Brighton, Nick secretly takes...
Drumming lessons - 79%
It up the 'arris - 21%
This result demonstrates: the implausible.

What's your favourite health warning on a packet of fags?

Smoking wastes beer money - 73%
Smoking makes you limp (and/or pregnant) - 27%
This result demonstrates: the blindingly obvious.

Which song with 'Wanking' in the title should we put on our forthcoming (yeah, right) CD?
I Am The Son Of A Wanking Monk - 78%
All of the other ones - 22%
This result demonstrates: hmmm, we shall see...

Title for our forthcoming (yeah, right) CD?
"Albanian Jizz Monkeys!" - 25%
That's crap, I'll suggest a title in the Guestbook - 75%

This result demonstrates:
possibly, the appalling under-representation of Albanian jizz monkeys within the franchised population, or their restricted access to portals of suffrage. Not that Albanian jizz monkeys would necessarily ensorse our appropriation of their esteemed moniker for our filthy output. I don't know, really, I don't know, and I don't know how we could ever know, they're cleverer than you'd think, I saw one of them driving a tram on Tuesday and Slick Nick reckons a gang of 'em experimented on him under the pier.

I have seen the future and it's
Jason Orange - 61%
Gordon Brown (texture like sun) - 39%
This result demonstrates: entropy?

A recent survey (this Saturday, by me) suggests there are too many Doctors in this world. What do you think?
I am a Doctor- 25%
Kill the Doctor - 75%
This result demonstrates: you're a shower of bastards.

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