makes the most mistakes in the band?
Slim Paul - 15%
Slim Steve - 85%
This result demonstrates: that Slick Nick set the question.
you shag Ann Widdecombe after 8 pints?
Yes - 74%
No - 26%
This result demonstrates: some terrible truth that we'd have
been better off not knowing.
Kidman: fish or fowl?
Fish - 40%
Fowl - 60%
This result demonstrates: that Slim Steve fantasizes over
when did Middle English begin?
Later than you think- 82%
Steve - 18%
This result demonstrates: that Kitson is right.
happened to Riby?
Who's Riby? - 67%
I'm Riby - 33%
This result demonstrates: that 33% of you/us have delusions
of Ribyism, or that Riby spends too much time protesting his existence,
or perhaps both.
traditional derivation of Lewes (Sussex) from the plural of Old
English hlaew 'mound' will not do, not least because of the absence
of initial h- in the early spellings. Which of these alternative
explanations do we prefer?
Old English laew 'gash' - 51%
*lexowia 'slope' - 49%
This result demonstrates: that the world has not quite grasped
that Coates (pace Forsberg) is right, and that the word 'gash' is
guaranteed to stimulate a spate of mouse-clicks.
du sett en igelkott nysa?
Ja - 7%
Aldrig - 93%
This result demonstrates: that hedgehogs rarely sneeze, obviously
the Pope swim in circles?
Is a one-legged duck Catholic? - 60%
Do bears shit in the Vatican? - 40%
This result demonstrates: Sweet Richard Adams.
Natalie Imbruglia chart-smashing ditty?
Torn - 68%
The one where she tries to fit too many words in - 32%
This result demonstrates: that I love her even though she
snubbed us way back when on a New Year's Eve in Canterbury when
she was a panto queen and I was a sweaty pop-star. She was in Blockbusters,
getting a video out. ON NEW YEAR'S EVE!! And she's 4ft 7. And lying
naked on the floor, apparently.
will win this season's football league Division One?
Forest - 23%
Pompey - 77%
This result demonstrates: that Pompey will win this season's
football league Division One. [And they did. We must try this one
again some time...]
Eh? - 62%
Yes thank you - 38%
This result demonstrates: that you/we are mostly unwell.
people suffer from particularly debilitating combined allergies
which eerily mirror crisp flavours, apparently. Imagine. So, which
would be your allergies of choice?
Cheese and onion - 60%
Salt and vinegar - 40%
This result demonstrates: I have no idea, but what ever happened
to Worcester Sauce flavour?
careful when you answer this one. Today is:
Thursday - 89%
result demonstrates: that there are more Thursdays
than Wednesdays in any given week.
Or that Thursdays are longer than Wednesdays. Or fuck all.
a train leaves Pluckley station for Maidstone at 2pm travelling
at 60mph, and a young lady on a Honda CBR600 leaves the kettle on,
what time does the Post Office shut?
catch your wolverine - 80%
That's only true - 20%
result demonstrates: sorry, I wasn't looking.
physician believes the band's health may be being affected by our
gigging schedule. How often do you think we should play?
or Less - 33%
result demonstrates: that
our secret gigs supporting Miss Dynamite are going unnoticed.
to the firefighters' strike?
Miss World - 62%
Nude Miss Weapons of Mass Destruction - 38%
result demonstrates: There's
a cat up a tree! THERE'S A CAT UP A TREE!!
right - 4%
I've inadvertently sobered up - 96%
result demonstrates: a truth universally acknowledged
does a dog think when it sees a dead dog?
I've just become aware of my own mortality - 44%
Why won't it sniff my arse? - 56%
result demonstrates: something about dogs.
long is a week?
3 fits - 50%
result demonstrates: something
else about dogs.
Or nobody voted.
Welcome to the year's first 'TV Personality of 2003' awards!
The nominations are as follows:
Basil Brush- 69%
the power of the watershed.
Overwhelming feelings of
Sparrows - 59%
knew it!!! Chirpy little fuckers.
Welcome to 'Pop-Star Secrets'! Can you guess Slim Paul's shameful
secret? Paul was arrested on Shetland last week for...
Defrauding a charitable
Sheep worrying - 25%
nothing that would stand up in court.
More 'Pop-Star Secrets'! This week, the spotlight falls on Slick
Nick. On a Tuesday evening in Brighton, Nick secretly takes...
Drumming lessons -
It up the 'arris - 21%
What's your favourite health warning on a packet
Smoking wastes beer money -
Smoking makes you limp (and/or pregnant) - 27%
result demonstrates: the blindingly obvious.
song with 'Wanking' in the title should we put on our forthcoming
(yeah, right) CD?
Am The Son Of A Wanking Monk - 78%
All of the other ones - 22%
result demonstrates: hmmm,
we shall see...
Title for our forthcoming (yeah, right) CD?
"Albanian Jizz Monkeys!"
That's crap, I'll suggest a title in the Guestbook - 75%
This result demonstrates: possibly, the appalling under-representation
of Albanian jizz monkeys within the franchised population, or
their restricted access to portals of suffrage. Not that Albanian
jizz monkeys would necessarily ensorse our appropriation of their
esteemed moniker for our filthy output. I don't know, really, I
don't know, and I don't know how we could ever know, they're cleverer
than you'd think, I saw one of them driving a tram on Tuesday and
Slick Nick reckons a gang of 'em experimented on him under the pier.
I have seen the future and it's
Gordon Brown (texture like sun) - 39%
result demonstrates: entropy?
recent survey (this Saturday, by me) suggests there are too many
Doctors in this world. What do you think?
I am a Doctor- 25%
Kill the Doctor - 75%
This result demonstrates: you're a shower of bastards.
Things this way...